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?Was I Forgiven By Thee https://forum.art-en.com/viewtopic.php?t=14319 |
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الكاتب: | Nawal8q [ السبت يناير 10, 2009 3:49 am ] |
عنوان المشاركة: | ?Was I Forgiven By Thee |
[english]A. Al-Ibrahim, Welcome.....I'm really so happy to see your comment here...your LONG comment. Frankly I read your comment, though some expressions were hard, but I think you are the most honest one who replied and criticized this NOT complete poem. I will try to reply you .... The poem is not complete as I said earlier but was waiting for some readers to say what they do really think of it, and was astonished when lots replied it as nice and great...while it misses a lot of writing techniques... If you all noticed, I wrote this poem two months ago, and since that time, I couldn't complete it, though the idea might seems so perfect.. Another thing, this poem is full of hope and faith in God, if you noticed that the face of that girl was reflected finally in the mirror after saying her prayers, but the thing that she doubt about is whether she was forgiven by the people whom she upsets... [quote] Since I've read YOUR poem several times, I came to a conclusion that your poem deserves to be published. [/quote] Maybe…But after being edited. For the points you found in my poem, from the repition of the letter “w” and number “5” , believe me that I had no idea about it when I first wrote this poem, but was happy to find that you noticed these small things. [quote] Avoid tautology. Reread the first stanza and you'll understand what I mean [/quote] Sorry , but I didn’t understand…can you explain it for me?? [quote] Pay attention to the marking of stanzas. We start a new stanza only when we start a new idea. I think that the second and the third stanzas should be combined in one stanza. [/quote] I know about this…and I told you “it’s not complete yet….” [quote] "PUNCTUATION", pay great attention to punctuation. It is very important in the poems. Here, your poem seems as if it's a twenty-seven-line poem. The first and second lines, for example, should be one sentence; the third with the fourth, and so forth. [/quote] I promise that I’ll pay more attention to this. [quote] May Allah bless you, Nawal. Thanx [/quote] You too brother Alla’…. ![]() Safa alaasi, Thank you so much. ![]() |
الكاتب: | Odysseus [ السبت يناير 10, 2009 7:56 pm ] |
عنوان المشاركة: | ?Was I Forgiven By Thee |
اقتباس:
but the thing that she doubt about is whether she was forgiven by the people whom she upsets
![]() ![]() In Fact I reread the poem and I did NOT find any refernce to such thing. You wrote that You prayed and because of your paryers you ask whether You were forgiven by God, We pray to Allah in order to fogive us and not to people. One of Allah's 99 names is "The Most Forgiving", so can you make the idea clearer please? اقتباس:
For the points you found in my poem, from the repition of the letter “w” and number “5” , believe me that I had no idea about it when I first wrote this poem, but was happy to find that you noticed these small things.
I know that you had no idea about these "small things", this is art, this is literature; it's not necessary for you to mean this; but rather what is important is that you wrote about these "small things" unconsciously, and this gives your poem the characteristic of "credibility". When we analyse a poem or a novella or a play, does our analysis mean that the writer means all the analyses we say? Ben Jonson says that one of the art's aims is to delight. اقتباس:
but was happy to find that you noticed these small things.
In fact, the word "small" connotes a negative meaning here; I think that you wanted to say "these minor things", didn't you? اقتباس:
Sorry , but I didn’t understand…can you explain it for me??
Well, I'm happy to see that you want more criticism on your "Not complete poem". Tautology means repetition. In your first stanza, you repeated may things. Repetition is usually used fo the sake of musicality, and musicality isn't your concern in this poem, because you are speaking about demon, prayers, God, etc. اقتباس:
My tongue is obviously tightened
My pencil can’t move and slide Here you repeated "My" two times. اقتباس:
Disabled am I to write a word
اقتباس:
Disabled am I to note to you
Here the words "disabled am I" are also repeated two times.اقتباس:
Words won’t easily come out
My tongue is obviously tightened My pencil can’t move and slide Though it has been sharpened Here the repetition is not verbal, but rather it is in the style. The first sentence is negative, the second is affirmative; the third sentence is also negative, and the fourth again is affirmative; So, try to chang the style in the second two sentences. Moreover, you tried to make the second and the fourth sentences rhyming together, when you want to do so you should achieve the balance between these sentences; I mean that the first line is negative as I said, and you used an affirmative sentence in the second line but you used an adverb; you repeated the same style of the first line in the third line, but you did NOT repeat the style of the second line in the fourth. You should add an adverb to the fourth line, so that the second and the fourth lines will have the same number of syllables. You can write "It has been" as "It's been (adv)". This is my opinion and I respect yours whatever it is. اقتباس:
Maybe…But after being edited.
Of course I meant that. God Bless You, Sister ! ![]() It's I, Ala'. ![]() |
الكاتب: | قاسم عيسى [ السبت يناير 10, 2009 10:15 pm ] |
عنوان المشاركة: | ?Was I Forgiven By Thee |
Well, I read it, I am not that much fond of poetry, um, it does not attract neither, but as structure it is good, but personally it does not touch my inside which is the most important thing in literature. Keep the good work.... |
الكاتب: | Nawal8q [ الأحد يناير 11, 2009 1:43 pm ] |
عنوان المشاركة: | ?Was I Forgiven By Thee |
[english]A. Al-Ibrahim, Again thank you... I'm so happy to see that you are the only one who spoke his mind truly and didn't pretend that it was marvelous and amazing while it's really not .... ![]() For the prayers thing, of course I didn't write it to say that that girl prayed to be forgiven by people. When we do sin, we have two affected sides, the first and foremost one is God, and the second one is the people whom are affected by our stupid deeds negatively, I said in the poem that the girl didn't see her face in the mirror because she is aware of her sin, that's why she prayed GOD to forgive her, and after she finished her prayers she saw her face again which means that she was forgiven by God , The Most Forgiving , but she still wonders if the people whom she upsets by her stupid deeds forgave her too, and that is the title of the poem. Our faith in God make us believe that no matter what we do and no matter how we disobey, if we only prayed Him and asked TRULLY for His forgiveness we will receive it no matter what, but it is not the same with people because they are not forgetful and they can't forgive so easily... Got it now???? hope so. [quote] This is my opinion and I respect yours whatever it is [/quote] I do respect your opinion too. ![]() Sheba, [quote] but personally it does not touch my inside which is the most important thing [/quote] I'm sure it Will after I work on it for a second time. ![]() Thanks for encouraging me. ![]() |
الكاتب: | Bashar-Sh-Ali [ الخميس مايو 19, 2011 5:09 am ] |
عنوان المشاركة: | ?Was I Forgiven By Thee |
Blackened words from a Blackened heart ![]() وهي نطرنا سنتين !! فينا نشوف الكمالة بئى ![]() |
الكاتب: | Nawal8q [ الجمعة مايو 20, 2011 11:58 pm ] |
عنوان المشاركة: | ?Was I Forgiven By Thee |
Bashar-Sh-Ali, Inshallah, after the exams ![]() |
الكاتب: | Nawal8q [ الخميس أغسطس 04, 2011 8:01 pm ] |
عنوان المشاركة: | ?Was I Forgiven By Thee |
I'm sorry everyone, but I have no appetite to write any thing for the time being. |
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