[englishtext]
New Beginning
She hanged up the phone saying nothing, the words that she wanted to reveal, were directed to her own self. In the last few days he got bored of her, she did not know why, but what she did was that she continued petting him, to keep him always happy. Numerous attempts to lull his mood were ended by despair, she bore his bad-humour trying to change it, at least to make it return to the situation she was used on. Unfortunately her attempts failed. At night after four hours of the last call, while she was still thinking of the decision they already took, to leave one another, that it is the sole resolution, she laughed thinking of the purpose, the decision of relief. The smoke of her cigarette built an iron wall, which she caused by her unspoken mouth, the mouth which uttered nothing after that soft quarrel on line. The iron wall, the white iron wall seemed so hard, she wished the wall to stay as long as it can, but it disappeared before the wish reached her hazy lost mind. She knew that her life was like this white weak wall, weak as well as she was, now she recognizes totally that she is like the wall, stands for few moments then disappears. In his eyes she were alive but after winning the fruits of love, love and favour disappear. "I hate my self, I thought he loved me but I was wrong and he treated me in bad way, he hastened the intercourse between us pretending that this kind of relationship needs to be emphasized by making love, my foolish nature was convinced, easily was convinced, now I am alone, why? Is not he alone too? Or just because he is the decision maker that will make him not alone? He is alone because he is aside from my affection and my body's fruits," she sighed and took a deep breath, "now I have no fruits to be taken, he left me behind and went to the nothing, but why?" Her eyes looked at the frame that contained their picture, she placed this picture after buying a precious and expensive frame, thought at that time that they will never be apart, this picture was shot at seashore, the place where they spent their first abroad trip away from life's disturbance, in that trip they hired a chalet in which they discovered the language of one another's bodies, at that time she thought and felt that he would be her hero, the knight of her old dreams was he, he was so compassionate, he treated her in wonderful way, she were about to worship him because of the happiness he brought on to her life. She still remembers how many kisses they did, the taste of his lips can be felt until this moment, beautiful remembrance is hardly forgotten. Now this remembrance is so ugly, she feels that she wants to vomit, how she likes to vomit all these ugly dreadful deeds which were wonderful back then, she ironically asked herself "Can one's remembrances be vomited and thrown away like the septic drink and food?" She imagined her life as whole and now being left alone, she knew that no one will understand why she trusted him, or why she gave him the fruits of her body, she imagined herself now giving him the thorns of his betrayal, "To give that means that we are giving, I will give him nought, I will give him nothing". Tears were drifted on the dry cheeks being astonished, she looked at her face on the mirror; she beheld the shade of _ eve _ the mother, eve the symbol of women, she saw the nothingness in her face, she perceived no ideas in her mind, she observed only her despair, her deep depression, which reflected her inside. Now she can feel what women felt after being beguiled by men. She went to her room, she thanked God that the household was outside, at least they cannot watch her downfall, in her room the first thing she discovered is the last gift he presented, an odd laughter raised, she knew it is the destiny's laughter not hers, what can she do if destiny wants to let her alone? For this moment he disappears, destiny approaches. "God damn destiny, God damn, God oh take away your destiny, I dislike you GOD, you are who wrote this and that, so be gone, I do not need anyone." These words were not heard, because these are just ideas, which were spoken by her ungodly side, the second side rejected the first side's speech, this rejection was simplified by a motion, to the bed, weeping on the pillow. She looked like she was weeping her past, she wept and asked redemption, but no answer was felt and no shadow was seen, she knew that there is no messenger to come and take her from her problem, and no medicine to cure her deep injury, she wept and wept, her tears drowned her ego into her unconsciousness into the bottom of repentance, in that place or that feeling or that sake which is called repentance she found no object but only light, this light was her new beginning, in which she will do nothing but only love.
The End
On 12th of November 2005 [/englishtext]
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Confusion Will Be My Epitaph