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الكاتب:  scarlet eyes [ الثلاثاء ديسمبر 01, 2009 1:41 pm ]
عنوان المشاركة:  رجاء تصحيح موضوع من ناحية التعبير و القواعد

 
Hi all
pls can anyone help me in this Paragraph
The Doctor asked us to write a funny story and I did
Just I want sb to correct it
1. I wrote a long TS is this acceptable?
2. I wrote the FBI or should I write FBI without the?
3. Is the concluding sentence good?
4. Is the title good and the grammmar and the transition sgnals?

The Best Detectives
The CID, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals, so the president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. First, the CIA goes in. They question all plants. animals, and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Second, the FBI goes in. After two weeks, and without finding any clue, they burn the forest killing a lots of living creatures (animals & trees) in it ,including the rabbit , and they make no apologies.
Third, the CID goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling,"Okay! Okay! I am a rabbit! I am a rabbit!" Hence, the CID wins and is deserved to be awarded by the president.

الكاتب:  Raghad [ الخميس ديسمبر 10, 2009 1:48 am ]
عنوان المشاركة:  رجاء تصحيح موضوع من ناحية التعبير و القواعد

 
scarlet eyes,
Hi darling *1 How r u? It's really a very interesting story : :mrgreen:

OK. Your way of presenting it is good. Just I wanna draw your attention for some points:
اقتباس:
The CID, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying

In general cases, "The" is used with such abbreviations. Howerver, in this sentence you have just mentioned "The" in the beginning of the sentence and it is here a kind of sequence .. so when you count a series of things you don't have to put "the" for each word of the sequence ...
The CID, FBI, and CIA are all ....

- so the President decides to give them a test
to test them is better

- First, the CIA goes in. They question all plants., animals,
first you refer to the CIA as singular and then as plural :roll: you have to decide in this sentence and the similar ones whether they are singular or plural ..... by the way the topic of the paragrah is "The Best Detectives", so I think it should be plural.
I think it is better to say :
: First, the CIA go in. They question all plants, animals,

and the same thing to the other words ; "The FBI" and "The CIA"

- killing a lots of
You have either to say "a lot of" or "lots of"

Third, the CID go in : It shouldn’t be separated from the paragraph. As you write a paragraph it should be like a whole entity.

the CID wins and is deserved to be awarded by the president.
The CID win and consequently they deserve to be .....

Good Luck darling *1 If there is any question you can ask me

الكاتب:  Lina [ الخميس ديسمبر 10, 2009 4:26 pm ]
عنوان المشاركة:  رجاء تصحيح موضوع من ناحية التعبير و القواعد

 
Raghad,
God bless you *good *sla

I have a very small tip to add
it will be better I guess if you omit (by the president) at the end of the paragraph...Just to avoid redundundundancy :mrgreen:

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