Garden of Eden

The Garden of Eden is that sublime ,lofty,and holy place that everyone of us seeks to be in .
To enter this Paradise means everlasting happiness; no one dies nor dispairs, because they live under the grace of God. The lodging there are built of shining silver and golden adobes. The stones are pearls and corundum while the soil is an odorous saffron . This Garden has eight doors and one of them can be called "Al Rayyan" . This door opens only for the fasting people. The atmosphere there is neither excessively hot nor bitterly cold. Moreover, the songs there come out from holy and immortal birds. Greeness is every where. Streams of water , milk , delight wine, and honey pure and clear are perpetually running. The good people there will have all kinds of fruits and forgiveness from their God.
Martyrs, these good people who sacrifice themselves for the sake of God, are highly rewarded in livining in Eden doubtlessly. Eden is the dream that every body craves to live in and to be one of its inhabitant means you have won the God blessed.

 
that I crave to live in and I wish to be one of its inhabitants.

Notice : you have won the God blessed
Should be : the God's (Allah's) blessing or the blessing of Allah

 
Finally ,Eden is the dream that I crave to live in because it means that I have won the blessings of God

 
I think you did a good job in this paragraph. It is really beautifully written at the metaphorical level, contains a good deal of vocabulary that are appropriate to the subject matter, and shows a good command of English at the grammatical level, despite some grammatical mistakes. Yet there seems to be a problem of misrelation. One cannot see the relation between ideas. To be honest, the lecturer is right in what he/she said. To avoid this problem of misrelation, here are some suugestions:

do not think of the main components of a paragraph as "introduction", "examples and details" and "conclusion", mainly because these terms are broad and general. In other words, an introduction, for instance, could be anything, and you may not even state the main idea in it, as often happens in the dramatic introduction (the way you wrote it). Alternatively, think of them as follows:

1. state the main idea of the topic: the topic sentence.
2. give what is called "the thesis statement". This differs from the topic sentence in that it contains your position" agree or disagree" toward the topic sentence and is usually written as a complex sentence containing conjunctions such as "although,though...."
3 development of the idea: in this stage always ask yourself why, when, what and who:
Why is this place the ideal place?
what makes it stand out?
where is it mentioned?
........

this may be done in either of two ways:

1. Giving sustaining examples: this is what you did in your paragraph. However, you could have made it more credible if you had referred to religious resources and the holly books.
However, in this way of organization you can use chronological order. or cause and effect order. in the former (chronological) you are expected to use "first, second and third....." . in the latter ( cause and effect) you are expected to use " therefore, eventually, consequently, moreover, furthermore, what is more, besides, as a result.....".
Conclusion, this is easiest part to write and is seen as a reformulation of the main topic sentence and the thesis statement. just use an indicator at the beginning of the conclusion, such as " to round off, to conclude, to sum up, in brief, ,,,,,,,,". then rewrite the main topic sentence containing your position toward it in different words.

2.the second way is not followed in descriptive topics such as this topic and is mainly used in argumentative essays.

Best wishes

 
Thanks a lot bro/sis for this advices
In fact the teacher didn't explain to us the correct way to write a paragraph although he gives us some techniques of writhing a good piece of writing such as stance and tone .
He explained these to us but .... the way you explained to me was understandable more than him.

Thanks for helping ......