الجمعة أيلول 23, 2011 8:31 ص
الأحد تشرين الأول 09, 2011 5:52 م
My critique may be inconvenient to you, but believe me, this is for your benefit
treating "tomorrow" as a human being who can understand demands and asking it never to come. That was very clever of you indeed
–as usual- you did NOT give importance to punctuation
"A woman! Without her, man is nothing"
The conclusion of all this is that all your lines are enjambed, and this is absolutely NOT correct
However, you started your second line with "and". I think that placing "and" here is not appropriate. For when you use 'and' between two phrases or sentences the two sides before and after "and" should be equal, your first and second lines are not equal in terms of their grammatical components. i.e., the subject in the first line is 'you', while in the second line is 'I', and yet you used 'and' to connect them together!
I FEEL that there is something wrong in the quatrain. You started it saying "once you're a child" so the reader expects that you are going to tell something about the childhood of the addressee, but when we read on we do not find anything about that childhood.
In addition, some grammatical errors occur in this stanza. For example, "A pre-chosen roads, a predestined dreams": you used the article "a" with plural nouns and this is definitely wrong
Such terms are usually connected with tragedies
Since you are composing the poem in the form of quatrains, and since you intend to rhyme it, then you should stick to the rules of rhyming quatrains
Nawal you did it right in the two previous quatrains (unconsciously),
What is shocking in the stanza is that the speaker seeks relief in destruction. The speaker thinks that burning/shutting/killing are the sole solution to the sadness she is experiencing.
Now, consider how you could convey this to somebody else. If you say "I am sad", you will convey the knowledge of your sadness, but those words alone won't bring over the feeling. But the rhythms of poetry can
Second, the structure of the sentences is very simple; a lot of imperatives are used. This tells the reader that the speaker cannot create long and complicated sentences because she cannot concentrate.
After "keep me" there shouldn't be a verb; so 'safe' should replace 'save' in the first line of the couplet
Woman much missed, how you call to me, call to me,
Saying that now you were not as you were
When you had changed from the one who was all to me,
But as at first, when our day was fair.
الاثنين تشرين الأول 10, 2011 9:25 م
الاثنين تشرين الأول 17, 2011 10:58 م
could you rewrite my poem in the way that you think it will give the full meaning of each line? I really wish to understand how to write a good poem using your knowldge and experience. Try to edit my poem if you can, this way the lesson that you gave me in your comment will be engraved in my head
Poet can do what others can't
الثلاثاء تشرين الأول 18, 2011 9:18 م
A far Hi from England
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