لكل من لديه ملكةَ البوح سواء بالانكليزية أم الفرنسية نفسح المجال لعرض مانكتب و تبادل الرأي و النقد البنّاء .
الموضوع مغلق

I Miss You To The Depth

الأحد كانون الأول 13, 2009 12:03 ص

I miss you to the depth
I can’t but tell
When shalt thou be seen
This summer? Next one?
Or never under this sky
May be up high In heaven
Why thee kepth me abide
It takes nothing for thou to show
Some gentle mercy upon my heart
For I’m brittle and made of blue
can’t live this life unless with you
Can’t break away this dolor inside
Can’t free my heart nor my mind
And underneath the ashes of my love
Still burning coal of thy behalf
I pray my  lord to keep thee safe and well
And keep us for ever bond
In heaven or hell.

I Miss You To The Debth

السبت كانون الأول 19, 2009 2:56 م

Nawal8q,

يبدو أن حق هذه التحفة قد ضاع مع كثرة المواضيع المنقولة حديثا إلى هذه الساحة!!

أرجو أن تنال هذه القصيدة حقها من النقاش :roll:



Nawal8q  
*1  *1
آخر تعديل بواسطة Odysseus في الخميس آذار 10, 2011 2:15 ص، عدل 1 مرة

I Miss You To The Debth

الأحد كانون الأول 20, 2009 8:52 م

 
Ala Al-Ibrahim,  
Thank you so much... :oops:
*1  *1
و أود أن أنوه للآرتينيين بأنه من الممكن أن يكون  النقاش و النقد و إبداء الرأي في  هذه الساحة باللغة العربية أو الإنكليزية .. فلذلك لا قيود تمنع من إظهار ما نكن للكتابات هنا

I wish it to stay only in English and French. What do you think??

I Miss You To The Debth

الأحد كانون الأول 20, 2009 8:55 م

 
]Ala Al-Ibrahim,  
You didn't tell us about your opinion of the poem.... :wink:

I Miss You To The Debth

الأحد كانون الأول 20, 2009 10:28 م

 
Nawal8q,  

I wish it to stay only in English and French. What do you think??


I do NOT have any problem with this; but I think it would be a problem to some people here. There is a whole section to express our thoughts in English. I think the purpose of this section is not the language itself, but rather the ideas of the poems written here. This is the first issue; the second one is that I think that there will be more people giving us their opinions  if they can express their thoughts in their native language. This is my opinion. Anyway, there is no supervisor so far; when he/she takes this mission they will say whether the participations are only in English and French or not. Moreover, I think that you can ask members to write in English only in your topics. :wink:

:wink:  
You didn't tell us about your opinion of the poem


Ok; but I'm busy with my presentations nowadays. I will find  some free time to post my opinion about this poem, God Willing. *1  So I will be back  *1

I Miss You To The Debth

السبت كانون الأول 26, 2009 9:06 م

 
Nawal8q

I'm sorry for being late. My comment is going to be in English as you asked.
As I previously said, it is a nice poem. Although you didn't pay attention to punctuation marks, as you promised in the last poem,  this poem is still good. :wink:  It is a free-verse poem. That is, there is no regular rhyme or metre in it. For example, the first line consists of six syllables while the second only four, the third five and so on. The language is simple. If you notice that the words in the first three lines are monosyllabic ones; that is, each word is a syllable in itself. This easiness has a positive effect on the readers. The monosyllabic words make the poem easy to understand.

Another point, the sense of musicality in the poem. As you know, repetition in any poem can cause either tautology –A Greek word that means repletion of words or ideas unnecessarily- or musicality. If you notice that Nawal repeated the words "can't" three times in the lines 11, 12 and 13. This repletion gives the poem the sense of musicality here, NOT tautology.  The use of the figures of speech in the poem also serves the sense of musicality in the poem, especially the alliteration – the repletion of consonant letters in the beginning of words in the same lines- as in the lines 6 (high-heaven), 9 (mercy-my), 13 (my-mind) and finally in the last line ( heaven-hell).

A third point, the coherence in the poem. This poem is tightly coherent.  It seems that Nawal masters all her words and ideas, and knows well what to write. For example, the poem is about the 'missing' of the addressee. In the first line Nawal writes "I miss you," we usually miss someone when they are far from us, when we can't see them. Nawal illustrates this fact through the use of the first line "to the depth" , and the sixth line "high in heaven". These two lines are contrasting in places. The first line refers to the very down of earth; and the sixth line refers to the very high of sky. The two places, the 'down' and the 'high', are unseen to normal people. Here lies the idea of coherence. The speaker misses the addressee because he is unseen; and to give the poem coherence the speaker uses 'unseen' places to refer to the addressee. A second example of coherence is the tenth line. The speaker says, "For I'm brittle and made of blue", and immediately explains how in the next three lines through the use of words which convey 'negative capability', I mean the words "can't". I'm speaking about coherence because coherence is the characteristic of the well-made poem. So, the conclusion of this is that the poem is well-written; it is NOT just 'an attempt', it is a real poem in the full sense of the word.

Now I come to the images in this poem. The speaker misses the addressee 'to the depth'. The use of 'depth' reminds me with the ocean. We usually associate this word with seas and oceans; and as you know, only few people can reach the depth of the ocean, who are the divers. So, the first line connotes the following meaning: The speaker is like a diver, the addressee hides himself in the bottom of the ocean; and because the speaker misses the addressee very much she turned into a diver and dove deep in the ocean to meet the addressee. It is a very nice image.

The second and most beautiful image is in the 14th and 15th lines.
And underneath the ashes of my love
Still burning coal of thy behalf

But I'm NOT going to discuss this image. I will leave it to the other members in order to let them share us their views of this poem. It would also be nice if Nawal wanted to discuss them by herself, though I think it is improper for the poet to discuss what they write. For when they do so they simply kill the poem.
The poem is full of images but I'm going to stop here.  :arrow:
God Bless you Nawal. *1  *ورود
Keep the good work. :wink:

I Miss You To The Depth

الأحد كانون الأول 27, 2009 8:58 م

 
Ala Al-Ibrahim,  
You are good analyzer

*good  *good  *good

I Miss You To The Depth

الخميس كانون الأول 31, 2009 10:34 م

 
قاسم عيسى,  
Ala Al-Ibrahim,  
You are good analyzer

Thank you very much murderer Quasim :mrgreen:  Sorry I mean brother Quasim :mrgreen:
That is very Kind of you  *1  *1
Nawal8q,  
Here is my last point on this poem. In fact, when I said your poem is good this did NOT mean that it is perfect. It contains some mistakes; like:
And underneath the ashes of my love
Still burning coal of thy behalf

These two lines carry a very beautiful image- I mean the image you intended to give, NOT the image understood from this context. Frankly speaking, you spoiled the meaning by the misuse of the pronouns. From the very beginning, you are trying to say that the addresser 'suffers' the absence of the addressee; that is, there is "a missing to the depth". This means that it is the addresser who still cares about the relationship. On this base, I think you misused the pronoun in the first line: " . . . ashes of my love." The use of "ashes" here means that the relationship is over, but I think that "my" in this context means that the addresser is the one who ended the relationship, not the addressee. I think you should use the pronoun "our" instead of my. You can do this because from the very beginning of the poem you used the apostrophe ( you speak to the addressee as if he were in front of the addresser). So, "our" is more suitable than "my". In fact not "more suitable" :mrgreen:  It's wrong to use "my" here. :wink:
You have the same problem in the next line; again what you say in this line contradicts the whole poem. You say, "Still burning coal of thy behalf"; I think by the coal here you mean "the hope"; so on the surface there are the ashes - as I said, the ashes are a symbol for the death of the relationship. This image is very beautiful. The coal hasn't become ashes in its whole, but rather some of it turned into ashes -died- this is related to the addressee: he no more cares about the addresser; the inner part of the coal is still burning - this is related to the addresser: she misses the addressee and hopes to meet him. This part represents the "hope" for the reunion. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the use of "thy" in this line connotes an opposite meaning to what I've just discussed. You should use "my" instead of "thy" because it is the addresser (You)  who still has the hope.

I hope that my point was clear. This is all what I wanted to say about the poem. God bless you all.
آخر تعديل بواسطة Odysseus في الثلاثاء كانون الثاني 05, 2010 6:42 م، عدل 1 مرة

I Miss You To The Depth

الخميس كانون الأول 31, 2009 11:21 م

 
We say that you are good analyzing, so you believed yourself and carry on explaining. :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:

I Miss You To The Depth

الجمعة كانون الثاني 01, 2010 10:13 م

 
Ala Al-Ibrahim,  
Well, thank you so much for this critical reply. I loved it very much.
I will be back to reply your post, I swear but tow days later.
Thank you again.
*1  *1
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