آرتين لتعليم اللغات :: Tomorrow never come : البوح بالإنجليزية و الفرنسية

اقتباس:

My critique may be inconvenient to you, but believe me, this is for your benefit

Be sure that this is what I want *good

اقتباس:

treating "tomorrow" as a human being who can understand demands and asking it never to come. That was very clever of you indeed

اقتباس:

–as usual- you did NOT give importance to punctuation

Maybe because punctuation marks are not so clear in my head

اقتباس:

"A woman! Without her, man is nothing"

I go for this one :mrgreen:

اقتباس:

The conclusion of all this is that all your lines are enjambed, and this is absolutely NOT correct

I see, but could you rewrite my poem in the way that you think it will give the full meaning of each line? I really wish to understand how to write a good poem using your knowldge and experience. Try to edit my poem if you can, this way the lesson that you gave me in your comment will be engraved in my head :wink:

اقتباس:

However, you started your second line with "and". I think that placing "and" here is not appropriate. For when you use 'and' between two phrases or sentences the two sides before and after "and" should be equal, your first and second lines are not equal in terms of their grammatical components. i.e., the subject in the first line is 'you', while in the second line is 'I', and yet you used 'and' to connect them together!

I should have noticed that, what a shame :oops:

اقتباس:

I FEEL that there is something wrong in the quatrain. You started it saying "once you're a child" so the reader expects that you are going to tell something about the childhood of the addressee, but when we read on we do not find anything about that childhood.

The meaning I wanted these words to resemble is that fate is over all. That is once you are a child and born to this life, your destiny is writen and you cannot change it no matter how you tried. I don't know what went wrong when I was writing, although the idea was very clear in my head.

اقتباس:

In addition, some grammatical errors occur in this stanza. For example, "A pre-chosen roads, a predestined dreams": you used the article "a" with plural nouns and this is definitely wrong

This is a very BIG mistake, :oops:

اقتباس:

Such terms are usually connected with tragedies

And the reason I wrote this poem is a tragedy :cry:

اقتباس:

Since you are composing the poem in the form of quatrains, and since you intend to rhyme it, then you should stick to the rules of rhyming quatrains

Poet can do what others can't :mrgreen:

اقتباس:

Nawal you did it right in the two previous quatrains (unconsciously),

Believe me I wrote this when I was in a state of tottal mess.

اقتباس:

What is shocking in the stanza is that the speaker seeks relief in destruction. The speaker thinks that burning/shutting/killing are the sole solution to the sadness she is experiencing.

Notice my lines, they are short and sometimes very brieve. Notice the way I started my poem, with a very know motto, or lets call it an advice "be carefull what you wish for". The reason why my sentences were that short is because when you're in DESPARE you lose your concious and can't find the words to talk about what make you blue.

اقتباس:

Now, consider how you could convey this to somebody else. If you say "I am sad", you will convey the knowledge of your sadness, but those words alone won't bring over the feeling. But the rhythms of poetry can

TRUE to the cooooooore *good

اقتباس:

Second, the structure of the sentences is very simple; a lot of imperatives are used. This tells the reader that the speaker cannot create long and complicated sentences because she cannot concentrate.

Exactely

اقتباس:

After "keep me" there shouldn't be a verb; so 'safe' should replace 'save' in the first line of the couplet

Believe me it was "save" at the bigening, but then I changed it because I couldn't remember which one is a verb and which is a noun. :mrgreen:

اقتباس:

Woman much missed, how you call to me, call to me,
Saying that now you were not as you were
When you had changed from the one who was all to me,
But as at first, when our day was fair.

Me like this, like like like like like

Finally, thanks for the books, I will read them inshallah very soon.

I know I will never thank you enough for your critique, which was so nice and so gentle.
Thank you again Ali (Ala') for evedrything *ورود

الكاتب:	Odysseus [ الجمعة أيلول 23, 2011 8:31 ص ]
عنوان المشاركة:	Tomorrow never come
فارس It seems we have a real 'commenter' in this topic

الكاتب:	Nawal8q [ الأحد تشرين الأول 09, 2011 5:52 م ]
عنوان المشاركة:	Tomorrow never come
اقتباس: My critique may be inconvenient to you, but believe me, this is for your benefit Be sure that this is what I want اقتباس: treating "tomorrow" as a human being who can understand demands and asking it never to come. That was very clever of you indeed اقتباس: –as usual- you did NOT give importance to punctuation Maybe because punctuation marks are not so clear in my head اقتباس: "A woman! Without her, man is nothing" I go for this one اقتباس: The conclusion of all this is that all your lines are enjambed, and this is absolutely NOT correct I see, but could you rewrite my poem in the way that you think it will give the full meaning of each line? I really wish to understand how to write a good poem using your knowldge and experience. Try to edit my poem if you can, this way the lesson that you gave me in your comment will be engraved in my head اقتباس: However, you started your second line with "and". I think that placing "and" here is not appropriate. For when you use 'and' between two phrases or sentences the two sides before and after "and" should be equal, your first and second lines are not equal in terms of their grammatical components. i.e., the subject in the first line is 'you', while in the second line is 'I', and yet you used 'and' to connect them together! I should have noticed that, what a shame اقتباس: I FEEL that there is something wrong in the quatrain. You started it saying "once you're a child" so the reader expects that you are going to tell something about the childhood of the addressee, but when we read on we do not find anything about that childhood. The meaning I wanted these words to resemble is that fate is over all. That is once you are a child and born to this life, your destiny is writen and you cannot change it no matter how you tried. I don't know what went wrong when I was writing, although the idea was very clear in my head. اقتباس: In addition, some grammatical errors occur in this stanza. For example, "A pre-chosen roads, a predestined dreams": you used the article "a" with plural nouns and this is definitely wrong This is a very BIG mistake, اقتباس: Such terms are usually connected with tragedies And the reason I wrote this poem is a tragedy اقتباس: Since you are composing the poem in the form of quatrains, and since you intend to rhyme it, then you should stick to the rules of rhyming quatrains Poet can do what others can't اقتباس: Nawal you did it right in the two previous quatrains (unconsciously), Believe me I wrote this when I was in a state of tottal mess. اقتباس: What is shocking in the stanza is that the speaker seeks relief in destruction. The speaker thinks that burning/shutting/killing are the sole solution to the sadness she is experiencing. Notice my lines, they are short and sometimes very brieve. Notice the way I started my poem, with a very know motto, or lets call it an advice "be carefull what you wish for". The reason why my sentences were that short is because when you're in DESPARE you lose your concious and can't find the words to talk about what make you blue. اقتباس: Now, consider how you could convey this to somebody else. If you say "I am sad", you will convey the knowledge of your sadness, but those words alone won't bring over the feeling. But the rhythms of poetry can TRUE to the cooooooore اقتباس: Second, the structure of the sentences is very simple; a lot of imperatives are used. This tells the reader that the speaker cannot create long and complicated sentences because she cannot concentrate. Exactely اقتباس: After "keep me" there shouldn't be a verb; so 'safe' should replace 'save' in the first line of the couplet Believe me it was "save" at the bigening, but then I changed it because I couldn't remember which one is a verb and which is a noun. اقتباس: Woman much missed, how you call to me, call to me, Saying that now you were not as you were When you had changed from the one who was all to me, But as at first, when our day was fair. Me like this, like like like like like Finally, thanks for the books, I will read them inshallah very soon. I know I will never thank you enough for your critique, which was so nice and so gentle. Thank you again Ali (Ala') for evedrything

الكاتب:	Nawal8q [ الاثنين تشرين الأول 10, 2011 9:25 م ]
عنوان المشاركة:	Tomorrow never come
It's been a year since writing this poem, a whole year.

الكاتب:	Odysseus [ الاثنين تشرين الأول 17, 2011 10:58 م ]
عنوان المشاركة:	Tomorrow never come
Nawal8q A far Hi from England اقتباس: could you rewrite my poem in the way that you think it will give the full meaning of each line? I really wish to understand how to write a good poem using your knowldge and experience. Try to edit my poem if you can, this way the lesson that you gave me in your comment will be engraved in my head Nooooooo Of course I am not going to do that! Do you know why? Punctuating the poem is rewriting it. YOU are the poetess, NOT me! Every punctuation is an interpretation in itself. YOU should punctuate it by yourself. And afterall, you said something true: اقتباس: Poet can do what others can't So punctuate it in the way you like Nawal I advice you to watch these two vedios on youtube. They are entitled as "How to Write a Good Poem" by Chris O. Cook: عذراً, يجب أن تسجل من هنا لترى الرابط إذا كنت عضواً, فقط قم بتسجيل الدخول عذراً, يجب أن تسجل من هنا لترى الرابط إذا كنت عضواً, فقط قم بتسجيل الدخول Thank you for your kind words

الكاتب:	Nawal8q [ الثلاثاء تشرين الأول 18, 2011 9:18 م ]
عنوان المشاركة:	Tomorrow never come
اقتباس: A far Hi from England A very far HI from here

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